So it was my birthday about a week ago; that’s always a weird couple of days.
Usually they go by without much fanfare, and that’s entirely intentional. For someone who likes to pretend that time can stand still and wait until i’m good and ready, a definitive marker that another year has gone by is something of a speed-bump for that mentality. I was scared of turning twenty and abandoning the all-purpose excuse that I was just a teenager. I was scared of turning twenty-one and really ’embracing’ adulthood. I was scared of turning twenty-two, and admitting to the fact that it was probably a littleeeee too late to start considering my break into the modelling world. It’s just scary for me to get older, and difficult not to look back and calculate with grim precision all the wasted days and missed opportunities I probably could have made use of that year. Happy Birthday to me! – here is a list of problems you didn’t fix this year.
Twenty-three though, that has actually been pretty okay. I guess the fact that I’m laughing at myself as I write this shows a different outlook I’ve taken on board recently, or the onset of insanity. By now I suppose I’ve finally learned how useless a post-mortem of past choices really is, though it is important to realize whether or not they were ‘good’ choices. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about stupid stuff I’ve done, but at 23 I’ve gotten down to actually making sure I never do it again. Hardly an original comment to make on the human condition, but it’s pretty much the gist of it. I was a dumb kid, a dumb teen, and now a dumb adult, and that’s absolutely fine. I’m conscious of it now, conscious that being older still allows for mistakes and wasted days, while making sure that I compensate for it before too long. Slipping up is inevitable for everyone, but now I refuse to wallow in it. This actual post is pretty indulgent and rambling, but it’s still huge for me that I now have a place to put it, and the volition to do so on top of that.
So for the first time in a while, getting older is pretty exciting. I’m excited by the place i’m at right now, and even if that happens to be unemployed at the moment…it feels more like I’m on the cusp of something. The cusp of another week’s dole to keep me going at least, and the chance to whittle down anything else holding me back. I’ve got the shameless mentality of an Afterschool Special now, and it’s a nice change of pace. My birthday seemed less like another few grains of sand in the hourglass, and more like the kind of celebration it should be. I could be out of the country in a year, maybe to visit America before it all collapses in on itself and I have to visit Disneyland:Atlantis. Or maybe I won’t be! Maybe I’ll still be trying to level up my bitch of a Meowstic in Pokémon. I’m less stoic, much less sedentary, and now I even get to vent online! Truly i’m living the life right now, and I can’t wait to see where I’m at when I turn 24. Happy Birthday to me! – I think I’m due a party next year…